Why do we grow up?

I wish we were all like Peter Pan, ever young, never having to leave our lair and having a million adventures on our way. I loved my childhood, with its million childish worries and a thousand playful crushes. I loved the family and the way Paati-Thatha either lived across the street or at home, encasing us in the unconditional love filled with stories, prayers and light banters.
When I get to look back at those times, I can see a yellow glow surrounding the family filled with innumerable aunts, uncles and much-loved cousins who indulged my bygone innocence in the purest way possible. And when the play time was over, Amma and Appa were always there to scold Jan and me a little to study and to make sure we followed the ever changing time-table in the semi-dysfunctional family that we were.
Now, the reason we made the glow is slowly fading. Drifted apart, many gone away to the other side and most of us surrounded by ego to avoid keeping in touch.
But small things like walking the Panagal Park circle, going to the beach and Parthasarathy Kovil fills me with nostalgia and the forgotten conversations we had comes screaming back. It is a little depressing to know that we will never repeat those words, feel the rush of knowing about where we came from and walking across the park with Thatha to get milk from Aavin. It is a little bumming to know that Appa will never follow my little red tricycle with the plate in his hand. It is even more frustrating to know that all those cousins I loved will never reunite, in full attendance. Why did we have to grow up?
But then, we did and our dreams of being the boy who never grew up went out through the window. Now, all that's left are the memories, the ones I said was surrounded by yellow... and it is a gift- to have had them and possessing the ability to visit them when we feel like it... Do you visit them too?

The eternal quest

What is the need that we human beings find in embarking on a quest eternally, a quest for love? All out actions and inspirations find their base in the feeling of total adoration. Most of us even thrive on it and find acute disappointment in not finding someone we can attach to, cling to and make sure they are the "keeper of the key" to our inmost happiness.
A friend once said that we need to find solace in solitude when we are in a relationship and look for someone when we are single but then you miss the person you love and that is because you need the adoration and the constant reminder that someone needs you to get going with life. We can truly never be anti-social animals.
But how does the eternal quest conclude is the next question. Do we end it when we find someone we can love forever or do we realise that this is as far as it can go in the name of love and "settle"? It is all a confusion by it self and most of us end up making a series of mistakes before it dawns to us that we are looking in the wrong places.
We humans are easy to be depressed. And we are ever-complaining about the emptiness in life. And then love hits. And then the awareness that we are going to be tied down and we finally run away, push the person and fade away into our self pity. But do we think about the sensitivities of the other people? No. Then what are we trying to find? Why do we search for something that sits right in front of us, something we do our best to ignore? Why?

Keep going

There are so many choices we can make in life. It starts from which breakfast cereal we want to eat to which path we would want to pave when it comes to life. There is also a secret choice of selecting either dreaming or hoping when it comes to dealing with things. And when it comes to that, I will opt for hope.
Why hope? Because it makes the wait simpler. It cushions your falls and gets you ready for what is to come. The last month has been hell. I must have gone into acute depression and abused the world in three different languages. But I did not. I hoped. I hoped that the feeling of being let down would go away and make me move on in life, to a happier plane. As many philosophers said, happiness is not easy but then hope is a prelude to happiness. The phrase "The Best Is Yet To Come" is perhaps perfectly fitting for the hopeful feeling.
Today, things have changed. I have completely packed up that feeling of a month back and I am looking forward to better things in life. It does not make me feel bitter or melancholic. It makes me happy, hopeful perhaps...

Krishnam Vandhe Jagat Guru

Hail Krishna, the leader of the world. As a boy, Krishna was the naughtiest kid on the block and yet he awed the citizens of Gokulam with the constant yet subtle reminder that he was all. And now, after hundreds of years since the Kalinga Mardhanam happened, He is still the lord of eternity, with followers ranging from a sleeping child to a grandfather in his deathbed who calls "Krishna, Manivanna," to attain Mukthi. It is Krishna I will love for eternity, the Mahan who chanted the Gita to a temporarily guilt driven Arjuna who refused to fight for the greater cause and to kill people whom he consider kin.
He was the mighty Sarathy, the chariot driver to the warrior, Parthan of the Pandavas. He was the naughty Kanna, the gentle wooer of his women fans, the one who is said to mesmarise everyone in the town with his enchanting flute. He has always been the mighty one, the dusky skinned man who commanded heaven, earth and the world below with just one glance. He broke a million hearts, he made a million women fall in love with him before I did. He evoked a keen interest in his preachings, just to know what my hero had to say to the world I live in... and he did not disappoint me.
The Lord went by a million names, each compelled everyone to stand up, take notice and understand that he was everything that made the world and everything that is going to be made.
He brought a new meaning to Karma, Dharma and punya aathma. He taught, his voice became the one power and we, his slaves. And after thousand more years, I am confident that Krishna would have added on more hearts to his and more people to chant his name as he lounges in Vaikuntam. Krishnam Vandhe Jagat Guru...

A peep into heaven

Whoever said that marriages are made in heaven had lost their screw and had to fill in the gap while their wife spent precious hours hunt around the house, trying to find a new one. And whilst the good lady was doing the task that every wife has to at some point of time in life, he sat down at his table, in the cosy room that the same woman makes sure is spik and span and jotted down the phrase "Marriages are made in heaven" to satisfy his guilt and to oilily flatter his wife.

I remember the huge silver letters that scream that "Marriages are made in heaven, marriage cards are made in Menaka" in Kodambakkam. Well, heaven or hell, it sure takes a long time, a tedious process during which you go from "God no! to Alright if I have to, mother." Yes, mates, this business, filled with profits and advantages (read: plumbing work, finding the screw and getting a good punch bag), is a tricky business. It is perhaps easy to say "Screw arranged marriage. I am going for the mush, gush and the final push," but then, how do you end up with "The One"? The so called Prince (gag!) who would think you are the biggest gift from God, pamper you and yet treat you as an equal and not as a coffee machine or the microwave oven.

Alright, forget the love. Leave it up to your parents. Do we possess the endless patience that they do in skimming over Jathagams, finding the Nakshatra Poruthams, eliminating on the basis of sect/sub-sects and zeroing in on the one who matches your family background, the relatives' whims and the neighbours' fancy and yet manages to be your ideal one? I am guessing not, from the way we jump in and out of relationships and friends change. So this brings us down to the final ascent. Are marriages made in heaven or in that dark store room next to the loo in the deepest part of your house? Ok, don't answer. Let me guess...

All the fun...

Why does everyone say that single girls have all the fun? Because it is true. I am surrounded by women who are married, who are going to get married or are in a solid relationship that I don't see breaking soon (proud of you girls)and amidst all that, I see myself- single again after what seems like nine years. I may have had the need to be able to love and depend on someone rock-solid all this while. But today, I look at myself alone, as in not a part of a couple any more, and I sigh... with relief!
All the while, I thought I was the kind who needed to depend on someone for the emo track of life. I thought I was the strong kind whose job it is to transform into a person someone can trust unconditionally. I got the latter from most of my relationships. But the former, I realise, I missed and never had the presence of mind to question. But now, I've learnt.
As I learn to enjoy my loneliness, and understand that patience is the mantra for something precious to grow, I just thank my stars. While I understood that this was not worth it, I also saw that without the past nine years, I would not have become who I am today.

Winds of change...

Why do things change? We find comfort and healing when we are surrounded by things familiar and take solace when nothing goes awry. But at the first sniff of something different, we take the highway and react like something unfair has happened. Well, things are unfair but then that is life.
Our parents teach us from a very young age (at least mine did) that "No" is a word that exists in the dictionary and I need to accept it. Today, I may get that ice candy I've been lusting after but tomorrow it will change and I may never get to eat another one. Change.
One of the best things during my growing up days was Besant Nagar. I have the residue of my memories and feelings tucked away in my former home in the locality and I know I will never get to go back and collect them again. But I have made peace with the bygone golden years of my life. Things have transformed, changed in other words. But I am still here.
I had a tough time adjusting to a co-ed college after spending a couple of years amidst girls, doing oh so typical girlie stuff. When I got into the course of my choice and realised that I need to go through the three years and exist with men (boys, I found out)I had to bite my mouth and go on. Today, I cannot be without my friends. It has all changed and I love it.
I lost my Granddad in the January of '08. He was as close to me as a thatha can ever be. It felt like I had lost my rock. Needless to say, I did my best to move on. And then my dad. He was my best friend and his passing away made me a very paranoid women, not a girl any more. And a year is going to pass since he left. Everything beginning from my lifestyle changed but I am moving on. I have come to terms and I understand the change.
It does not stop there...
I am about to venture into something different now. The four of us are going to walk four different paths. It is like an end of an era. New lives, new responsibilities, new images. But there is still that hope that we will get together once in a while and pick things up. There is a wish that what we mean to each other will not change and we will still be sisters. Changes again but filled with optimism.
That is change.